N.Y. / Region
Mrs. Spitzer Resigns, Citing Sexual Failings
Silda Spitzer, reeling from revelations that her husband of more than 20 years, Governor Elliot Spitzer, had been patronizing prostitutes since their disappointing wedding night, announced her resignation today, becoming the only first lady of a New York governor to be forced to resign from both her position and her marriage.
Mrs. Spitzer, sobbing and with her long-suffering husband at her side, said her resignation is to be effective immediately, and that an 18 year-old porn star featured at the local VIP Lounge and strip club in Manhattan would be sworn in to replace her. Mrs. Spitzer did not say when Ms. Cherry Swallows would be sworn in, however.
“I am deeply sorry that I was not able to live up to what my husband expected of me,” she said. “I tried. Oh, my God, I did try. But it was just too physically demanding- and really just too disgusting. For that awful failing on my part- for forcing my poor, sick, perverted husband to go to 5,000 dollar an hour call-girls to fulfill his warped, twisted needs for the past 20 years, I sincerely apologize.”
“Over the course of my married life, I have insisted — I believe correctly — that women married to powerful men in high governmental positions must go the extra mile to perform their wifely duties,” she added. “I acknowledge my fundamental failings, and will ask no less of myself. For this reason, I am resigning from my marriage and from the position of first lady to the governor of New York State.”
Mrs. Spitzer is the first to resign from both her marriage and the position of first lady. Previously, the wife of Governor Nelson A. Rockefeller was forced to resign as first lady in 1973, when she tragically compelled her husband to seek solace in the arms of his mistress. In 1913, the wife of then Governor William Sulzer was impeached and removed from her post in a scandal that exploded over her failure to properly launder and conceal her husband's bribe money.
In a brief statement given in the Rumpus Room of the VIP Lounge in Manhattan, Mrs. Spitzer thanked her family for offering support and compassion, and said she had spent the last several days in a desperate effort to acquaint herself with the various positions and mechanical devices her husband needed to climax, but had injured her ankle after falling off a trapeze during an attempt at double penetration using a couple of 18 inch dildos attached to pneumatic hammer-drills.
Mrs. Spitzer ended the speech by saying she would commit Hara-Kiri to atone for her failings, and then limped off without taking questions.
“As I leave this life, I will first do what I need to do to help and heal my family,” she said. “I will try once again to serve the common good by donating my entire body to science in an effort to discover what is wrong with me in the hope that someday there will be a cure for female self-esteem and unwillingness to suffer degradation to satisfy one's husband.”
In the moments after Mrs. Spitzer resigned, her successor, Ms. Cherry Swallows, also released a statement saying that she was “saddened” by what had happened and that she was "available for golden showers, DP work, bestiality and the five-way Dirty Sanchez thing Elliot likes with the rocking chair, midgets and the ceiling fan.”
“It is now time for me to blow this clambake- if you'll pardon the expression- and get back to humping this guy for my five-grand an hour stipend,” she said.
Sheldon Silver, the Assembly speaker, said today that it was Mrs. Spitzer's fault that her husband was now exposed to possible criminal liability and that in preparation for a possible jail stint, Elliot would be taking the name of the new first lady and be known henceforth as Elliot Swallows. “It is now up to the governor to make a determination of what’s best for him. I hope you join me in saying a prayer for his children.” When asked what Mr. Silver thought was best for the Spitzer family, he replied, "there's always the chance Elliot will fall feet-first into a wood-chipper."
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